Kidnap a dragon? How daring! How stupid!

I have determined in light of recent events to undertake the task of creating a sign (notice, placard) to place without the front door of my apartment in hopes of discouraging the presence of various and sundry boys and girls in their quests to convince me to spend money buying magazines from them either for my use or the use of various and sundry charities. I have only lived in this apartment how long and have had how many of these young people show up at my doorstep?!?! (By the way- young as in college age not elementary age- in which case I am predetermined to believe that not only do they read, they understand what they have read.)
My sign (notice, placard) will be a slightly modified version of the highly practical sign once positioned over the King of the Dragon’s cave which read, “WELCOME TO THE CAVE OF THE DRAGON KING. Pull handle to ring bell. ABSOLUTELY NO wizards, salespeople, or rescuers. This means YOU.”*
My sign, of course, shall instead read, “Welcome to the home of me (me being a pronoun habitually used when no other way of describing the said occupant of the house [which would, of course, be me] comes to mind). Knock with fist to sound arrival. ABSOLUTELY NO wizards, solicitors, or rescuers, (although knights in shining armor with a current temple recommend are welcome to inquire within about a possible date- age restrictions do apply). This means YOU."
I changed ‘salespeople’ to ‘solicitors’ in hopes that the various and sundry salespeople/solicitors approaching my door will understand the respect I have for their choice of a job but LEAVE ME ALONE. Unless, of course, they are in disguise and are actually knights in shining armor with current temple recommends and a yearning to met me (once again you see the use of pronoun when no other term appears to apply).
I think a three foot sign would be large enough, don’t you? I wonder what my neighbors will think?


*Taken from the delightfully hilarious book, “Searching for Dragons” by Patricia C. Wrede.