# Chateau de la Tobler

## Monday, March 12, 2007

### My life

LaDale, your post about the richness of life is so beautifully written. I've spent the last day or so thinking about my life, and how it fits into what you wrote. I've come to the conclusion that I am so amply blessed that it sometimes scares me.
I've had my share of tears, especially in the last year. Things like Gideon's first smile have made me miss Daddy so much--how he loved (loves) his grandbabies! I actually dissolved into tears the other day while polishing up an illustration for my thesis--I was looking up an area that Daddy and I had explored, and I suddenly missed him SO MUCH. But how blessed I am (we all are) to have had him for a dad!
When we first found out about Gideon, it was quite a blow. I remember sitting in the car after our first perinatalogist appointment and sobbing--I was angry, sad, scared, bewildered. And those four months of uncertainty before he was born were probably some of the hardest months I have ever experienced.
Now that he is here--and there is much less uncertainty--the joys of having him in our family far outweigh the worries and stresses. Yes, I'm still occasionally blue, and occasionally I'll wake up from a horrible nightmare about Gideon in the hospital, but there's something wrong and nobody will tell me what is wrong, but those things are few and far between. I am so happy and contented--and humbled. There are so many people around me with greater problems than mine, and less support and resources to deal with them. That has made it hard sometimes to accept the generosity of others, because we know people who "need it more." The only thing that makes that bearable is trying (in our own small poor way) to lift others up when we can.
I know that there will be hard times in the future--no one can love as many people as I do and not realize all the "hostages to fate" that I have. And there are times of utter frustration in raising these wonderful, strong-willed children into reasonably decent adults. But even as I look into the (uncertain) future, I know that our Savior's grace will be sufficient.
He has already proven it to me.

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